My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

More from Rita Rudner

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
• Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
• Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"